I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never find what I'm looking for.
Then I sit down and try to figure out what the hell it actually is that I'm looking for.

I think I have been approached more this year than I have in all of my years in dating combined.
I've turned down several offers, ignored some completely, have chatted up a few potential prospects, had a few dates. I even dragged out a relationship over the summer that I knew was going nowhere. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Late last night on MySpace messenger, I was approached about no-strings sex.

We were interested in each other about 5 1/2 years ago, but he left the state for military training and years went by before I ever ran into him again. We also talked a bit at the beginning of this year, but I just wasn't into it.

He asked repeatedly if he could come over, and I turned him down again and again. At one point, he sent a message that said -

"how about a hand job?"

I told him to use his own hand and his imagination. Had I looked at his profile before this conversation took place, I would have told him to call his girlfriend.

I may not know what I'm looking for, but I know "no-strings sex" is definitely not it (especially not with an attached man).

Some days I think I want to eventually get married again. Other days I think I like not being tied down. I go back and forth on whether or not I want more kids, too. I guess that depends on if I ever find the right man (for both)... and how bad my son's terrible two's turn out to be.

I guess if I don't even know who I am, how can I expect to know what I want? Or where to find it?

I'm going to keep on looking until I figure it out...

But I'm going to start with myself first.

I kissed a girl

In honor of "National Coming Out Day" I guess I will blog on sexual orientation.

I try to be as upfront and honest as possible when it comes to my sexual orientation.

I consider myself to be....



(gasp) .....




Straight.





Whew, am I glad to get that off my chest.

I have kissed a girl... actually two in the same (sober) night. One was a good friend of mine who caught me off guard (it was just a quick peck on the lips), and the other was a friend of hers. Our other mutual friend who was with us at the time (the only guy with us that night) dared us to kiss, and at that point, I thought "Oh, what the hell!" That was even before Katy Perry released her song.

It's true that I can be a little more assertive when alcohol is involved, but I don't think that's unusual... I've bought drinks for girls I didn't know and have sent drunken text messages to my female friends at 1:30 in the morning. On my last drinking endeavor, I sat down next to a girl and powdered her up with edible vanilla body glitter. In my defense, she was wearing a shirt with an open back (it needed something) and I did not lick it off.

I don't know why it is, but I can definitely understand what attracts men to women.

The way thick dark hair falls in waves around a heart shaped face.
The way a soft cotton t-shirt hugs the upper body just right.
The way pouty red lips look paired with blushing cheeks.

Whether or not they want to admit it, I believe all women check each other out. We are constantly checking out magazine models. We compare ourselves to our significant others' ex love interests. We check out how we fare against the competition when we're out. We take a look so we can tell the honest truth when our best friend asks us if her ass look big in her new jeans. We primp and preen ourselves before a big date until we find ourselves attractive. We do it all the time. This is why I don't think that simply finding members of the same sex attractive should make anyone question their sexuality.

I have a girl friend (the same one I shared that peck on the lips with) that I think has beautiful hair, gorgeous lips, and a nice ass, and I've told her so. It doesn't mean I want to embark on a long-term sexual relationship with her.

And that is why I consider myself straight.

Sure, I kissed a girl.

Yes, I can appreciate a good looking woman.

I do have a theory that I think a woman could please another woman better than a man (in some aspects) because women know what women like.

Ok, so you could probably call me a little bi-curious.

But men can be trained.

I have no desire to be with a woman sexually (one on one), nor do I have the desire to have a relationship other than friendship with a woman.
As a woman myself, I know that we are complicated creatures. With mood swings, deep thought processes, self esteem issues... I have enough trouble with my own, thank you.

That, and there are some things that a man has that a woman just doesn't.

That deep, sexy voice.
The gentle tickle of chest hair against bare breasts.
The feeling of a little facial scruff roughed up on soft skin.

Oh yeah, and a penis.

Happy "Coming Out" day!