I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never find what I'm looking for.
Then I sit down and try to figure out what the hell it actually is that I'm looking for.

I think I have been approached more this year than I have in all of my years in dating combined.
I've turned down several offers, ignored some completely, have chatted up a few potential prospects, had a few dates. I even dragged out a relationship over the summer that I knew was going nowhere. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Late last night on MySpace messenger, I was approached about no-strings sex.

We were interested in each other about 5 1/2 years ago, but he left the state for military training and years went by before I ever ran into him again. We also talked a bit at the beginning of this year, but I just wasn't into it.

He asked repeatedly if he could come over, and I turned him down again and again. At one point, he sent a message that said -

"how about a hand job?"

I told him to use his own hand and his imagination. Had I looked at his profile before this conversation took place, I would have told him to call his girlfriend.

I may not know what I'm looking for, but I know "no-strings sex" is definitely not it (especially not with an attached man).

Some days I think I want to eventually get married again. Other days I think I like not being tied down. I go back and forth on whether or not I want more kids, too. I guess that depends on if I ever find the right man (for both)... and how bad my son's terrible two's turn out to be.

I guess if I don't even know who I am, how can I expect to know what I want? Or where to find it?

I'm going to keep on looking until I figure it out...

But I'm going to start with myself first.